More than a few times in the past since I have started advertising on Eros and Redbook, I have received emails from religious fanatics interested in helping me absolve my life of mortal sin and impurity. Mostly they are full of curses, condemnations, remind me of my upcoming spot burning for eternity in the flames of Hell, and are written in all caps.

Today I got a really sweet one. The tone was of humble concern. This messenger of the Lord reminded me to disregard the email if I was “pagan of other religion or not interested” and told me twice that he loved and prayed for me. He even offered to teach me about Jesus and the upcoming apocalypse at no cost.

What I liked the most were the Bible verses he included. They were beautiful. I may not be particularly religious but I love words with rhythm, images, and of course – poetry. The Bible is full of it.

All of this from a person who signed his email “Jersey Juice” and does not know the difference between your and you’re. Why do fanatics always have terrible spelling, grammar, and style?

Here are the verses. I do not endorse them or even agree with them. I just enjoy literature:

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.

—1 Thessalonians 4:3-8

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

—Galatians 5:16-21

Thank you for sharing JJ! I loved your verses and am looking forward to burning in hell. I’m preparing for it on Earth by doing hot yoga and plenty of sunbathing.

Tabitha